


Missed Chances

by prongsdeer



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War (Marvel), F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Sad Ending, Some Fluff, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 04:11:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15453063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prongsdeer/pseuds/prongsdeer
Summary: Five times Steve didn’t say ‘I love you’ back and one time he did





	Missed Chances

_The first time you told Steve you love him happened after your first date._

The night went exactly like you thought how it would go with him. It was slow, quiet, honest, classic. He didn’t want anything involving any modern tech, too many people around you, nothing noisy, nothing extraordinary—his days were extraordinary enough. He wanted something that was only about you and him.

For you, personally, it was surprising he made a move and asked you out. Since the first day you met Steve, in the training room of the Avengers Tower, there was something going on between the two of you, undeniably. He wasn’t exactly friendly first, he was rather aloof, yet you couldn’t help but feel something that maybe you shouldn’t have so soon. On that night, after you both returned to your rooms, you tried to bury every thought of him to the back of your head. Maybe it was just the irresistible charm of Captain America; who wouldn’t feel giddy around him?

But the days passed and turned into weeks, and after a couple months spending nearly every day with him, you knew it was something more. He wasn’t so distant anymore and the more you talked to him, the more you felt Steve wasn’t so afraid to getting close anymore. It was never just innocent friendship; you felt it for sure, and even the most oblivious person could see it on him—maybe except Steve himself. Around you, he could blush like a virgin on their wedding night, as Sam never failed to mention him.

Despite being sure about his feelings for you were at least somewhat mutual, you waited for him to make the first move. Not because you were shy or scared, but because you didn’t want to intimidate him. Maybe he wasn’t ready yet. And while your friends kept telling you all he needed was a little push, you were sure he’d take a step further if he wanted to, when he felt he was ready.

As time went on and your feelings only deepened for him; you felt less and less confident about his. He had plenty of occasions to say something, to ask you on a date when you were alone together, but he never did. It went got to the point even the tiniest flicker of hope started to disappear from you. He finally asked you out when you least expected it: after a mission, where you could both barely breathe.

It was simple. A dinner in a small but nice restaurant somewhere in a less crowded part of the city, where you hoped no one would recognize you. After a long walk around the streets until your feet hurt and you could barely stifle a yawn, but you refused to let the night end. A date like this while you lived your life the way you did was rare. Steve walked you back to your floor at the Tower and kissed you at the door, gently, with his hands on the small of your back.

“I love you, Steve,” you whispered while his lips were still from an inch from yours. You could say it just slipped out, but it was building inside you for months now, and once you knew it, you couldn’t hold it back anymore. His gaze shifted from your lips to your eyes, and he was speechless. He couldn’t remember when the last time was someone had told him they love him, and it made his heart swell. There were a few seconds of sweet oblivion while he let the words echo in his head, let them warm him up from head to toe, before a cold shiver ran down his spine and he realized he couldn’t say the same to you. Even though he definitely felt something, he wasn’t sure yet what it was. Under his heavy stare, you felt regret for telling him so easily, so soon. You wanted to slip out of his arms, but he pulled you closer, and rested his forehead against yours.

_The second time Steve heard the three little words passing your lips, he laughed._

When Steve’s strained muscles finally melted, he collapsed on top of you, head resting on your chest. His heavy weight made it harder to breathe, but you were too exhausted to move—besides, you couldn’t get enough of his closeness, the feeling of his bare skin on yours. He listened the rapid beating of your heart while he tried to catch his breath, still lying motionless and holding you tight. A leg still wrapped around his small waist, your arms slipped off his back and he moved his hand lazily, lacing his fingers with yours. It wasn’t your first time together, but the first time he left you a moaning mess, making you scream his name repeatedly until even your voice was shaking. Eyes still closed, you brushed his messy hair back from his sweaty forehead with an exhausted smile on your lips.

“I love you so much,” the words came out weakly, barely more than a hoarse whisper while you were still high on your orgasm. In answer, Steve let out a breathy chuckle, just as soft and weak as your words were before. Only when it already happened, he realized maybe he shouldn’t have laugh, especially if he didn’t plan on saying it back.  But the moment passed, the damage was done.

Steve slowly lifted his head and you opened your eyes to look at him. He licked his lips and took a deep breath, eyes darting between yours. “Y/N, I…”

The words stuck on his throat and you shook your head, holding his face between your palms. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt, but you understood that for him, it wasn’t so easy to say it out loud. Some people fall in love too easily and throw the words like it’s nothing, and for some people it takes long months to be sure about their feelings before they finally say it. And of course, there’s Steve, who knew each word carries weight. You were not sure if he ever said it to anyone before. “It’s okay, Steve. I don’t want you to feel you  _have_  to say it back. Especially if you’re not sure about it yet.”

He gave a nod and an uncertain, but thankful smile, before pressed a warm kiss on the inside of your wrist. He wished it was easier. Before he met you, Steve was sure he could never fall in love again. Not after Peggy, not after he lost everything and everyone, not after he spent seventy years frozen in ice. Even the mere idea of letting someone in seemed something he could never have. Not that  he wanted to fight against it, but he genuinely thought it was not possible for him anymore. The holes inside him were too deep to fill. But now, with you, he saw a way out. He loved the way you made him feel: hopeful when your smile brightened his day, excited when he could finally spend some time alone with you, the way the world around him slowed down when you hugged him, how you could make him blush without even trying. He loved it all, he loved the butterflies, he even loved the bittersweet pain of missing you.  

Steve wasn’t sure what these feelings were, he only knew he didn’t want to lose them, to lose you. He rolled off you but pulled you to him, holding you close while you buried your face in his chest. His arms around you were gentle but tight, like he was afraid you could easily slip through his hands.

_When you told him for the third time, Steve knew he was in love with you._

The base hadn’t been so quiet in a very long time. Almost immediately after the Secretary of State left, the argument erupted between the Avengers, each one of you trying to convince the other of your own point of view. It wasn’t pretty from the start, and it only got uglier as all of you became more and more tense. By the end of the night, there wasn’t a single person left in the room who didn’t say anything they wouldn’t regret by tomorrow.

A few people left the building without a word, still fueled by anger. Most of you stayed, but returned to your rooms. You slept alone that night – if you could call it sleeping – and your bed never felt so cold and empty, knowing only a floor separated you from Steve.

The facility seemed emptier than usual in the next morning, maybe because whenever you ran into someone, you didn’t exchange more than small talk. No one wanted to speak about the accords, but it was there like an uninvited guest.

You didn’t see Steve all morning, and you didn’t try to find him. He chose to deal with his problem like he always did: he isolated himself. Usually, you didn’t let him to stay alone for too long, but after last night, both of you needed to breathe a little apart from each other.

It was early afternoon when he knocked on your door. Though it was ajar, he didn’t step inside until you let him. You stood by the window and he walked to you, standing still and taking a deep breath. Expressing his thoughts and feelings had never been easy for Steve, but you were always there to give him a little push. Right then, all you could think was to pull him into a hug, so you did.

Almost immediately, you felt him relaxing in your embrace and his arms came to sneak around your waist, before he pulled back, only to rest his temple against yours. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” you said quietly, leaving a soft kiss on his lips before your arms slowly left each other. You wished you could act like nothing happened yesterday, just forget about it and live your life the way it was a few days ago, but you knew you couldn’t. “I guess you haven’t changed your mind.”

“You know I haven’t. I can’t sign it, Y/N,” he said firmly, but quietly. He didn’t want an argument again, but it seemed inevitable. “And I honestly don’t understand why you want to.”

“Steve,” you said, heaving a sigh. “I don’t want to. I don’t agree with it any more than you do. But you need to understand there’s no other way,” you took a step closer. “It already exist and they want us to sign it. If we don’t…” you trailed off, staring through the window for a few seconds before looked back at him. “It’s going to tear us apart.”

“And what if we sign it? What it will cost?”

“I don’t know!” you said desperately. “I only know if some of us do and some of us don’t, it will be the end of us. Aren’t you the one who always says we should stay together? Even if it means we will lose?”

Steve stepped back to lean against your desk and crossed his arms across his chest, shaking his head while he stared his feet. “This is different,” he lifted his gaze to you, concern furrowing his brows. “If I sign this… I’d feel I go against my own principles.”

“This is just selfish,” you said, and cut him off with a wave as he opened his mouth but even before he could utter a word. “It is, Steve! You have to understand it’s not just about you.”

“You’re right. It isn’t. It is about millions of people we saved and I’m sure we have to in the future.”

Silence settled between you, avoiding each other’s gaze. You brushed a tear drop that rolled down on your cheek, looking through the window but not really seeing anything. You understood that none of you would change your mind. What would it mean to your future?

“I don’t want to lose you,” Steve said after long minutes, more to himself than to you. “I don’t want to lose you because of this.”

Crossing the room, you closed the distance between you and leaned against his chest, letting him to hold you close. “You won’t,” you finally said, pulling back only to look up into his darkened eyes. He cupped your cheek, softly brushing his thumb against your skin. “No matter what’s going to happen. I love you.” Your voice trembled but the words barely left your lips when he leaned down and kissed you, not gently like he always did, but passionately and desperately. He never kissed you like this before and it made you cry again. When he felt it, he leaned back to brush the few teardrops away, but he couldn’t finish before you pulled his head down again for another kiss. You didn’t want to let him go.

_The words were on the tip of his tongue when you told him you love him for the fourth time, but he let the moment slip through his fingers._

The old bed creaked under your weight as you wanted to turn around and you regretted your decision immediately, knowing Steve would wake up to the smallest noise. You stopped halfway in your movement, but it was already too late—you heard him taking a sharp intake of breath, before he let it out slowly and with his arm around you. He pulled you close from behind and  buried his face into your hair, deeply breathing in your scent. The mattress was hard and squeaked with every little move you made, the sheets old and rough against your skin, and yet you felt more comfortable than in your own bed, for the sole reason you spent the night in Steve’s arms.

When you turned around to face him, his eyes were still closed, but a tiny, weak smile played on his lips. “Morning, Cap,” you said, fingertips lightly scratching his beard. His voice was thick with sleep as he said good morning back to you, slowly opening his cerulean eyes.

Judging by the pale light that poured into the room it was early in the morning; too early to be awake. Steve shifted closer to press a languid kiss on your lips before he buried his face in the crook of your neck. The still new, strange sensation of his beard scratching your skin made you chuckle quietly.

“What is it?”

 “Nothing,” you said. “Your beard tickles.”

He smiled against your neck and lingered there a little longer, then he pulled back, watching you with sleepy eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ll shave it off for you.”

“Don’t you dare,” you said almost warningly, pushing his grown hair back from his forehead. “I love it.” 

A few moments later his eyes were closed again, and he quickly drifted back to sleep. After spending almost the whole night awake, you couldn’t blame him for it; you could barely keep your eyes open. Whenever you finally had a chance to spend some time together, you didn’t want to waste any second of it, even if it meant you’d be exhausted by the next day. Sometimes it meant you did nothing, said nothing; just lied in each other’s arms for long, sweet and silent hours.

It was your life now. While you could safely stay at home, Steve needed to hide, moving from place to place, and when you were with him, you had to do the same. The fact he couldn’t stop living his life the same way he always did, despite not technically being Captain America anymore, didn’t make anything easier. If it was up to you, you’d gladly run away to live with him somewhere isolated from everyone, but he wasn’t like that. He could be tired of this country, he could drop the shield, but he could never stop fighting for people.

So this is all you had: stolen hours in hidden places. A few days when you were lucky, or mere minutes when you weren’t. However, being with him even for a short period was worth it; every second of it.  

You managed to get out of the bed without making it to sound like it want to break into half, and Steve was still fast asleep when you quietly stepped out of the room. The dimly lit corridor of the cheap motel was silent, not a single person walked inside the building. Even the receptionist was still half-sleeping behind the front desk when you walked past him.

Only a few people walked on the streets so early in the morning in the small town you currently stayed somewhere in the middle of nowhere. It was easy to find everything here, you didn’t have to drive more than ten minutes to reach your goal.

When you returned back from the bakery, Steve’s head was still buried deep in the pillow, and only woke up when you loudly kicked the door shut. He looked over his shoulder before he let his head fall back with a small groan. You placed the two cups of coffee and paper bags of pastries down on the nightstand before you jumped down on the bed. You kissed his cheek and he pulled himself up on his elbows, threw the blanket off himself and sat up next to you.

He took the paper cup you handed to him. “If I had known earlier how nice it is to get breakfast in bed, I’d have never left so early,” he said half-jokingly, because it used to be the other way around: Steve always woke up early, long before you, and by the time you left the bed, he already made you breakfast.

You laughed and he flinched as he took the first sip of the coffee that was too sweet for him, giving it back to you before he took the other cup.

The next hour went by like this, eating  your breakfast and talked about nothing in particular. Steve lied back down on the bed when you finished and pulled you close, running his fingers through your hair as you rested your head on his chest.

“I wish I could spend every morning like this,” he said quietly after long minutes of silence and you lifted your head, watching the sad smile on his lips that didn’t reach his eyes. 

“You mean in a creaky old bed at a cheap and stinking motel?”

“As long as I’m with you…”

You knew exactly what he meant. What did it matter where you had to spend the night as long as you could be together? It was still hard to fall asleep without him, then start the day when you found his side of the bed empty each morning. You would have given anything to set back everything the way they used to be. “I wish it, too,” you said finally with a weak smile, before lowered your head on his chest again. “One day, Steve. Then you’ll have to bring me breakfast in bed every single morning.”

Steve smiled, slowly rubbing his palm up and down your arm. “I can’t wait.”

His tone wasn’t sarcastic; he meant it. And even though you knew it wasn’t time for it yet, the simple thought of that he wanted to settle down with you one day in the future made your chest warm with a shimmer of anticipation. “I love you, Steve.”

He opened his mouth, the words were on the tip of his tongue and he could have say them so easily, but he didn’t. In that moment, he realized he never said it to you before, and he didn’t understand; he didn’t understand himself. Steve knew he loved you. Why he never told you before? Even if he was sure he made you feel loved. Why was it so hard to say it? He wondered for so long the seconds became minutes, and by the time he collected his thoughts – and courage – a knock on the door disturbed him.

“Guys, I really don’t want to interrupt anything,” Sam’s voice was low behind the door and you lifted your head from Steve’s chest. “But we have a situation.”

Steve let out a long breath. “I’m coming.” He ran his fingers through his hair, his gaze shifting to the chair where his worn, dark suit was draped over, before he looked back at you. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” you said with a reassuring smile, cupping his cheek. “Do you need help?”

“No,” he replied, though you knew even if he did, he wouldn’t want to drag you into anything.

_When he heard it from you for the fifth time, he didn’t want to say it back._

Losing track of time, you didn’t know if only a few minutes or long hours since your legs almost gave up and you had to stop, leaning against the railing of the staircase that lead down from Shuri’s lab. Your eyes were closed, thoughts swirling until your head started to hurt. It was the first time you were alone with all the knowledge you learned in the past hours, and it was painfully overwhelming. You let the emotions wash over you, even though you knew you shouldn’t.

The familiar sound of the approaching footsteps made you to open your eyes and you brushed a drop of tear away, turning around just in time when Steve reached you. He placed his hand on your upper arm.

“I thought you were already outside.”

“I was waiting for you,” it came out raspier than you thought it would and you cleared your throat, but your voice already betrayed you, if your glistening eyes didn’t. Steve cupped your cheek and ran his thumb along your skin once, before he let his arm fall, but you lifted it back again with both hands, examining his new shield.

“Nice,” you said with a smile. “I miss the stars and stripes, though.”

Steve returned the smile, but there was no happiness in it. “We have to go.”

“I know,” you stared the ground, still gripping his hand tightly. He didn’t move, even though you both knew you had no time to waste. When you finally lifted your head and he saw the pain in your eyes, Steve felt his heart dropping to the floor. “I love you.”

“Don’t do this.”                                                    

“What?”

“Don’t start to say goodbye,” he said with a hint of anger in his voice.

You shook your head and ran your fingers through your hair, biting your bottom lip and avoiding his gaze before another loud crash from outside turned your gaze back at him.

“We have to—“                              

“I  _do_  want to say goodbye,” you cut him off, desperately, and Steve licked his lips to say something in answer, only to shake his head. You stepped closer, making him to look up at you. “Steve. Tony is gone. Thor is gone. How can you be so sure we all are going to make it out alive of this?”

“The way we always do.”

“How? Together? With hope?” you crossed your arms over your chest. “I’m afraid it won’t be enough this time.”

“It’s been enough before.” He held your face between his hands and you leaned into his touch, closing your eyes again. He could barely catch your quiet words.

“Not without them.” You were not stupid. How many times before you won  _only_ because either Thor or Tony was there? Sometimes, it was hard enough with both of their help.

“Please don’t give up.”

“I don’t!” you opened your eyes, heaving a sigh. “I just…”

“I know,” Steve said, knowing well what you were exactly thinking about. “I don’t want to lose you either.” He kissed you slowly, gently, making the both of you forget about your surroundings for a few blissful moments.

* * *

“Get up. Come, you can’t stay here,” Thor’s voice was distant and you couldn’t focus on his face for a few seconds longer after you opened your eyes. It felt like you were unconscious for hours, but you knew it couldn’t be more than a few moments. You let him to pull you up on your feet and you tightly shut your eyes again, standing still and trying to regain your balance. All the noises around you just made the throbbing pain inside your head worse. Thor spun around to kill a few of those disgusting creatures that was running in your direction, before he turned back to you.

Despite how exhausted you felt, how much every inch of your body hurt, Thor’s return wiped the hopelessness away. “You’re alive.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he smiled like the world wasn’t on fire around you. “Are you okay?”

You couldn’t stifle a tiny smile at his question, considering how disheveled and defeated you must have looked. Something sticky and hot were trickling down on your face—your blood or someone else’s. “Never been better.”

He disappeared after he quickly made sure you were okay, and you pressed a finger on your earpiece, talking quietly first, but your voice grew with every word. “Steve. Steve, do you hear me?” You called his name and then Sam’s and Nat’s, but all you were met with was radio silence. The same crippling fear you felt before you left the lab crawled up on your spine again, but you fought it down and ran across the battlefield with everything you had.

You could only catch a glimpse of Thanos when you reached the woods, before a dazzling lighting strike nearly blinded you, followed by Thor.

“Y/N…” Steve’s voice made you spin around just when he fought himself up on his feet and you hurried to him, placing your hand on his as he clutched his left side.

“Are you okay?”

“Are  _you_  okay?” he asked back, wiping the blood off your temple. There was another explosion that made you turn around, but you saw nothing strange—for the circumstances. You grasped Steve’s hand and pulled him where Thor was, and again, you could only see Thanos for a second before he already disappeared.

The look on Thor’s face scared Steve; he couldn’t even hide it and while he tried to figure it out what just happened, you looked around, trying to search for something, anything, because seemingly, everything was just the way it was a minute ago.

Until you heard Bucky’s voice calling his best friend’s name. Not desperate, not even frightened, only like he didn’t understand what was happening. With wide eyes, you watched as he disintegrated into a million small pieces, and by the time Steve reached him and fell on his knees, there was nothing but ashes left of him.

Steve didn’t move when you stopped next to him and placed your hand on his shoulder. He froze, but lifted his head to look at you with true despair in his eyes. While you turned your head, seeing through the woods that more and more people slowly disappeared, you felt him grasping your hand that still rested on his shoulder.

He did it. He really did it.

Steve stood up so slowly like he wasn’t sure his legs could support him anymore. He looked so defeated you found it hard to hold his gaze. You didn’t look away, but the wave of dizziness that rushed through your body made you to close your eyes.

It took you a few seconds to realize it wasn’t because of the emotional shock. You felt it first, sooner than you actually saw it. Slowly, you started to fall apart, physically- like you were no more than a castle made of sand. Steve caught you when your legs gave in and you felt him holding you tighter than ever before. “No. Don’t—no, please.”

“It’s okay,” you said quietly.

“No.”

“I love you, Steve.”

“I love you too,” he pushed a loose strand of hair back from your forehead. “I love you.”

Steve’s hands trembled when you slip through his fingers like dust and he collapsed on the ground. He heard the distant sound of people around him asking questions, calling his name, but he couldn’t comprehend anything. He watched his hand, your dried blood still on his fingers. Ashes in his palm, all what’s left of you, grey and weightless, yet the heaviest he ever had to held.


End file.
